The hot dog man is packing up
He's putting all his sauces away
Scrapes the onion grease into a cup
To use again another day

Other hot dog men might re-use their cheese
But never this hot dog man
He whistles a tune and bobs his head
While sweeping out the floor of his van

The hot dog man once tried a line
In gelati and soft-serve treats
But they didn't last long in the bain-marie
In amongst the steaming meats

The sauce bottle nozzles clog up every day
He always is surprised by how much
A friend once suggested the sachets
But he prefers the personal touch

The hot dog man...
The hot dog man...

[Gatesy, spoken: How beautiful is the hot dog man? Don't you love him? He just knows what life's about. It's the simple things, that's the lesson.]

(The hot dog man...)
The hot dog man attends the normal events
Such as concerts and football games
(The hot dog man...)
Has his regulars at the stadium,
He takes the time to learn all their names

(The hot dog man...)
Whilst he knows it's a professional relationship
He always asks about their lives
(The hot dog man...)
Says, "How are the kids? Is your Mum still well?
Hey, tell me when the baby arrives."

[Gatesy: Awww! ]

The hot dog man maintains his van
He works on it meticulously
He'd have it done by a mechanic,
But who would take as much care as he?

The hot dog man drops his daughter off
At ballet practice three times a week
He jokingly asks, "Am I a taxi?"
She laughs and smiles and kisses his cheek

The hot dog man...

[Gatesy: You gotta love the hot dog man, don't ya? Oh, he's just beautiful, I love him.]

The hot dog man...

[Gatesy: I could sing about him all night. In fact, let's do that, yeah! ]

The hot dog man earns a modest amount
His overheads are more than you'd think
When you add up the cost of his hobby
Plus the wholesale price of the drinks

[Gatesy: What's with "hobby", Yon?]

The hot dog man has certain needs
Not all of which his wife can fulfil
He also has his favourite TV shows
The one he likes the most is "The Bill"

[Gatesy: They're not the lyrics, can we...]

(The hot dog man...)
The hot dog man knows his hardware
Has certain brands he tends to prefer
(The hot dog man...)
He's been fitting out his cellar
But he's not at all the wine connoisseur

(The hot dog man...)
Scod: The hot dog man drives his hot dog van
In circuits 'round the local reserve
(The hot dog man...)
Scod: He drives slowly, but not too slowly
And casual, so as not to unnerve

[Gatesy: I don't like the hot dog man any more! ]

The hot dog man...

[Gatesy: The hot dog man's a bad hot dog man, isn't he, guys? Guys?]

The hot dog man...

[Gatesy: What the fuck is going on! ]

The hot dog man has a coolroom
With independent power supply
Has a table on wheels and a light source
He performs his operations by

[Gatesy: OPERATIONS! ]

The hot dog man's identity
Changes every now and again
For a time, he was a woman
Or at least he wore a woman's skin

[Gatesy: NOOOOOOOOO! ]

If you listen hard in the dead of night
Is that a scratching sound you can hear?

[Gatesy: I DON'T LIKE THIS! ]

We use the word "evil" so liberally...

[Gatesy: STOP... STOP THE FUCKING SONG! Stop... just stop it.
Scod: What?
Gatesy: What are you doing to the hot dog...
Scod: What?
Gatesy: What have you done to him?
Scod: What do you mean, "done to him"?
Gatesy: You've...
Scod: There's a whole range of factors, it wasn't just us.
Gatesy: No!
Yon: Yeah!
Gatesy: No!
Yon: I mean, you know, it's a whole "nature versus nurture" issue, really.
Scod: It is!
Gatesy: It's just... no!
Scod: He might have parental problems, who knows? Maybe he's just evil. We just don't know.
Gatesy: He doesn't! He doesn't have to be evil, though!
Scod: What are you talking about?
Gatesy: No, he doesn't. Why can't... here's an idea... ooh, Gatesy! Why don't we... why don't we make the hot dog man a nice hot dog man again, eh?
Yon: All right.
Gatesy: You know, remember? Aha! Remember...]

The hot dog man is packing up
He's... twisting all the ties on the bun bags
Umm... puts the ice bucket back in the freezer

... where he also keeps the human heads.

[Gatesy: NOOOOOO!
Yon: I like that!
Gatesy: Ohhhh...
Scod: Come on... he's a multi-dimensional character, that's all.
Yon: Come on, Gatesy - don't you think we're all the hot dog man deep down inside?
Gatesy: Noooo...
Scod: It's about the complexity of human relationships... and knives.]